The Beginning

December 2017. "Be of good cheer and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you and will stand by you." The words came peacefully and firmly to my mind. And in that moment I knew I was pregnant. Weeks before a test would tell me. The anxiety I felt about adding another baby to our family washed away with those words.

For 13 weeks my pregnancy was just like many others. I was so sick and so tired. Poor Hudson. I organized a drawer where he could get his own food. I laid in bed, he would bring me an applesauce, I would open it, he would go back to watching his show, and I would suck on a ginger drop, eyes closed, willing myself to hold it all together. I was barely coming out of this fog by the end of my first trimester. At 13 weeks, a new fog rolled in.

March 13, 2018. The day my life changed forever. Or maybe the day my forever just suddenly became clear. I honestly can't decide. My mortal body shocked. My eternal spirit completed. It sounds weird, but it is the only way I can describe it.

The phone call I received that day was simple. Shockingly simple. In my other life, the one before this phone call, I never would have imagined this kind of phone call to happen in such casual way.

My doctor asked me how spring break was going, I was antsy to find out if Hudson would be getting a little brother or sister, no other thoughts were on my horizon. 

And then he said it; "We have your genetic screen back, and there is a 9 in 10 chance that this baby has Down syndrome." "Oh, okay" were the only words I could put together. His next words were mush, sound waves with no pattern. I told my doctor that Greg was in the next room and asked if he would tell him what he had just told me. I put the phone on speaker so we could listen together. Greg's response was the same as mine. He also shared with us that our baby was a boy! My doctor then told us how we would proceed with my pregnancy - an appointment with a maternal fetal medicine doctor for a high level ultrasound in a few weeks to check on our baby's development and to check for any physical markers of Down syndrome. After that, we could decide if we want to do amniocentesis for a firm diagnostic answer. He told us he hoped we could enjoy the rest of our spring break, then hung up.

And that was it; there were no "I'm sorry's" or "this is what your life will look like". Thankfully no negative speculation or misinformation about what a person with down syndrome can or can't do, and no pressure to end my pregnancy. Simple, like he was calling to tell me my dry cleaning was ready; except that I never dry clean my clothes, so it was simple and utterly bewildering.

After the phone call sweet Greg played with Hudson, while I went into my room and cried.

If I'm being totally honest, those next few minutes or hours, I'm not really sure how long, are still too tender to share, dissect, or even think about, even a year later. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to fully go back to those moments where my life was changing forever. And that is okay. All I do know how to say is, I felt all the things, all the feelings, all the emotions. Shock. Anger. Joy. Gratitude. Grief. Pain. Sadness. Fear. Happiness. Excitement. Love. But above all, I felt peace. Beautiful, sacred peace from our Heavenly Home, and an undeniable feeling that this was all a part of God's plan, down to every single detail, and that everything would be okay.